Memorable Quotes


This is an equal-opportunity quote page. By that I mean that I do my best to make fun of everyone (meaning both individuals and groups) equally.

In these quotes you're likely to find suggestions of sexism, racism, beastiality, prostitution, homosexuality, homophobia, foul language, alcoholism, various illegal acts, general bad taste, etc., etc., etc. Please try to keep in mind that these quotes were quite intentionally left without any of the relevant context as to the situation in which they were said.

As you read the following quotes, please keep in mind that just because I said something or found what someone else said humorous does NOT necessarily mean that I agree with it. I find "shock humor" to be a wonderful form of comedy. I am able to find some inherent humor in most of life, including situations that are entirely repugnant to my personal morality.

If you are at all unsure of your ability to maintain a sense of humor while reading these quotes, I would strongly encourage you to A) find your entertainment elsewhere; and B) chill out.

Salt Lake City (Dec 2003-Feb 2004)

Kevin S.: Damn me and my affinity for contractions.

So much so that I tape "A Baby Story."
Kevin S.: In the cafeteria on MLK day last year they had friend chicken, sweet potato pie, and all the fixin's.

I was kind of shocked, but my Nubian brothers were so digging on it.

I'm like, am I on on Racist Candid Camera or something?
Kevin S.: You mean, The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.?

He has so many periods, he should be an honorary woman.
Brad: Especially when I told them it was pretty much unsupervised.

It was fun. I felt like Himmler.
Brad: It's getting fixed.

Or there are people growing new orifices. I call them "bullet holes."
Terry: By the way, I need a proxy. [link]
Yost: What manner of proxy?  
Terry: You're closer to Chicago. I need you to head up to UIC, grab Dan Bernstein, and take a nice long piss in his mouth for me.  
Devina: I'm a waffle, just a soggy waffle. [link]
LindsayX: Your sex is quite distracting you know. [link]
Yost: Any girl that requires calculus to determine is bad news. [link]
Terry: What's the derivative of Lindsay with respect to X?  
Yost: Exactly. Rates of change and shit.  
Yost: You compile a lot of shitty programs. [link]
Terry: I compile a lot of UNIX programs.

You draw the conclusions, if any.
Sally: When I think of Mormons, I think of mayonnaise on white bread. [link]
Terry: The fact she's so cool with that beer dispenser is an indication of what a cool girlfriend she is. [link]
Mom: Or what an idiot she is.  
Terry: You have to be an idiot to be a good girlfriend.  
Terry: Did you see the Colorado-Detroit game yesterday? [link]
Brad: Yep. Watched it in the strip club.

Strippers were trying to talk to me, and I was like "Huh? Yeah, you're great. I love you. Aebischer WHAT THE FUCK!"
Terry: I'm not so much lying in the wet spot as much as I *am* the wet spot. [link]

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