Memorable Quotes


This is an equal-opportunity quote page. By that I mean that I do my best to make fun of everyone (meaning both individuals and groups) equally.

In these quotes you're likely to find suggestions of sexism, racism, beastiality, prostitution, homosexuality, homophobia, foul language, alcoholism, various illegal acts, general bad taste, etc., etc., etc. Please try to keep in mind that these quotes were quite intentionally left without any of the relevant context as to the situation in which they were said.

As you read the following quotes, please keep in mind that just because I said something or found what someone else said humorous does NOT necessarily mean that I agree with it. I find "shock humor" to be a wonderful form of comedy. I am able to find some inherent humor in most of life, including situations that are entirely repugnant to my personal morality.

If you are at all unsure of your ability to maintain a sense of humor while reading these quotes, I would strongly encourage you to A) find your entertainment elsewhere; and B) chill out.

West Lafayette, Spring 2004

Brad: God-damned assclowns. [link]
Dulaney: Why do they call them assclowns?  
Brad: They call them assclowns because they clown around with people's asses. You know, unsupervised rectal horseplay.  
Brad: [Avril] actually appears in glasses in the liner notes for her album. [link]
Terry: I've never actually felt sorry for an album cover before this moment....  
Terry: Uhm, maybe you misunderstand: grad school was pretty much 2.5 years solid of people pounding me in the rectum with phat cocks while yelling, "GOD YOU'RE DUMB!" in my ear. [link]
Yost: What does that do to you, if you fuck Death? [link]
Terry: ...Can you imagine his jizz?  
Yost: I bet it would give you a yeast infection.  
The Reverend Aaron Lehmann: Would you like a bite of my pinkness? [link]
Terry: I think we've found his weak spot [link]
The Reverend Aaron Lehmann: ...The net?  
The Reverend Aaron Lehmann: Thibault? That's like when a faggot tries to do Shakespeare. [link]
Terry: I think we're going to do well in hell. You know, get some positions with responsibility, maybe. [link]
Eric B.: Yeah. Grand Dragons or something.  
Brad: I managed to get a nice dollop of piss on the top of my specimen container for my drug test. Enjoy, fuckers.

Of course, I _did_ piss all over my hand. I think it was worth it.
The Reverend Aaron Lehmann: If I was casting for parts in a movie, I think I'd cast [Terry] as Winnie the Pooh. [link]
Yost: I try not to make the dick-eating sound very often. [link]
Brad: I just hate browsing the wine section. They need to impose some kind of ordering. Like the Library of Congress system, but with wine. [link]
Brad: You left out the fact that they were pounding your ass with the fat end of a baseball bat, though. [link]
Terry: Fat cocks are in the same equivalence partition as baseball bats (in my book).  
Brad: But you can't dip fat cocks in epoxy and broken glass.  
Terry: You're on fire. The gay kind of flaming, to be sure, but it's fire nonetheless. [link]
Brad: Hey, fire is fire.  
Yost: God, looking at her, it makes me want to fuck that trash can over there! [link]
Terry: Speaking of das Cactus, I'm out this Friday but maybe the following one?

Oh wait, that might actually require you to, you know, plan ahead. My bad.
Yost: I can plan ahead for you to eat my balls.  
Brad: Platonic friend? More like tectonic, 'cause the Earth's gonna move if you know what I'm sayin'-sayin'. [link]
Terry: She has trouble with eye contact, and I find that so completely fetching. [link]
The Reverend Aaron Lehmann: (Pause)

...I have trouble with eye contact.
Terry: After not eating ALL day, a large load of fairly spicy Chinese food is going to cause my guts to go on strike. [link]
Nolandda: "Strike" is such a ... passive way to describe what they're really going to do.  
Yost: Bullets are the universal language. [link]
Yost: Who gets their undies twisted over a 9/10? [link]
Terry: Fox would have.  
Yost: Fox would have earned himself a frosty glass of fucked in the mouth. Or maybe a pitcher.  
Nolandda: [Duffner]'s like the platonic ideal of an asshat. [link]
Terry: Thank god for Sonoma-Cutrer. Well, that is until you buy their "Russian River Appelation," which is $40 and strangely similar to a certain Columbia Crest product. [link]
Terry: If the calendar starts shows 2006 and we haven't yet snorted cocaine off the thighs of Vegas hookers you will be dead to me. You have been warned. [link]
Josh: ...So he put his shit in the sink-- [link]
Terry: --Wait. Did he actually put feces in the sink? At this point, I'm not ready to rule anything out.  
Nolandda: That's why I'm the navigator: because I can fold a map. [link]
A member of group Grap On My Tired: ...Farmer with gun! [link]
Terry: The thing I'm most proud of at the Halloween party is that not only did I grab Lita's ass, I went back for seconds. [link]
Roland of Gilead: "Ah, gods," Roland thought, "I hate every part of this. It stinks like a dying man's shit." [link]
Eric B.: I've got another proverb for you: "People in glass houses fuck your mom." [link]
Terry: Try not to dehydrate yourself with orgasms. [link]
Brad: There are plenty where that came from. It's like a Gatling Cock.  

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