Memorable Quotes


This is an equal-opportunity quote page. By that I mean that I do my best to make fun of everyone (meaning both individuals and groups) equally.

In these quotes you're likely to find suggestions of sexism, racism, beastiality, prostitution, homosexuality, homophobia, foul language, alcoholism, various illegal acts, general bad taste, etc., etc., etc. Please try to keep in mind that these quotes were quite intentionally left without any of the relevant context as to the situation in which they were said.

As you read the following quotes, please keep in mind that just because I said something or found what someone else said humorous does NOT necessarily mean that I agree with it. I find "shock humor" to be a wonderful form of comedy. I am able to find some inherent humor in most of life, including situations that are entirely repugnant to my personal morality.

If you are at all unsure of your ability to maintain a sense of humor while reading these quotes, I would strongly encourage you to A) find your entertainment elsewhere; and B) chill out.

West Lafayette, Winter 2004-05

Eric D.: Today is my daughter's first confession. [link]
Terry: Wow, that's gotta be a little scary.  
Eric D.: Not for me; I'm an agnostic Catholic.  
Terry: I'm just trying to figure out what my life would be like if I was making almost 6 times what I am now and my housing was paid for. [link]
Yost: Ale and whores, every day.

Ale, whores, and hockey.
Terry: Maybe if we shuffled the order around I'd agree.

Because whores should never come second to anything. At least not the whores I buy.
Yost: Did you see this news item about some lesbian minister that got kicked out of her church?

All of the headlines say "Lesbian minister defrocked." I love it.

"United Methodists defrock lesbian minister."

It sounds like a godbang or something.
Terry: So does anyone know how the Dow did today? [link]
Joe: It dropped like your father's pants.  
Mehlberg: Was it knee level or shin level?  
Terry: I managed to swallow that one down.  
Nolandda: ...Like so many before.  
Mehlberg: You gotta think before you open that mouth.  
Terry: They're just snowballing on me now.  
Dulaney: I hate guns. I can't stand to be around them. I'm like MacGyver in that respect. [link]
Terry: These Air Force guys? Asshats. Fucking asshats. They don't have a ticket to get on the bus that goes by the neighborhood of the fucking ballpark.

(Credit to Cal Poly professor Tal Scriven for most of that quote)
Terry: Wait, the DJ is a girl? Damn that's hot. I want to do a chick that makes techno music. [link]
Terry: Actually, this trip to Vegas was with a blind date. [link]
Wanke: I bet you could buy a blind one in Vegas.  
Terry: Sorkin's writing kills me. I wonder what he's working on now? Other than his Narcotics Anonymous homework, that is. [link]
(Name Withheld): I thought we'd made it painfully clear we were on vacation celebrating the birth of the Savior that they killed. [link]
Terry: David seemed to think that Verilog really sucked and that we should hire anyone who was really good at it. [link]
Jim V.: Well, it definitely sucks, but I think that might be the end of my agreement with David.  
Joe: Why didn't we start Nemesis on Phase 4? "Nemesis, Phase 4: A New Hope!" [link]
Terry: We have talked about how your fruity red drink is really gay, like E.B. gay. [link]
Griffin: No, we haven't.  
Nolandda: Perhaps we should talk about it now.  
Dulaney: So when can we get some penetration testing on our network? You know, like a playground? [link]
Joe: You need a playground for penetration testing? After all, your name IS Michael....  
Terry: You in for dinner tomorrow night? [link]
Nolandda: Yes, but I'm not in for the Cactus.  
Terry: That's fine, because Chris IS in for the Cactus. So if I can combine the two of you, I'll have the best night ever.

(The room starts laughing)

...Damn it.
Lita: Communism would rock if it worked. [link]
Castor: No it wouldn't! I'm more important than pig farmers.  
Terry: (to Joe) That right there? That was a Catholic joke. [link]
David L.: (to Joe) Oh, you're supposed to be Catholic too?  
Terry: I love being a Nazi! [link]
Joe: I'm glad I've got tab completion for Terry.

"Blah blah blah"-<tab>-<tab>-<tab>-<tab>

Ah, yes, now I understand.
(Name Withheld): I got in trouble for giving bad head one time, but it was like the first time I saw a penis ever. [link]
Keith: You might want to look into one of those portable air conditioning units. [link]
Nolandda: How do they work? Where does the hot air go?  
Keith: They put out more cold air than hot air.  
Nolandda: No they don't.  
Jim V.: Do you want to bet $400 against the laws of physics? [link]

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