Memorable Quotes


This is an equal-opportunity quote page. By that I mean that I do my best to make fun of everyone (meaning both individuals and groups) equally.

In these quotes you're likely to find suggestions of sexism, racism, beastiality, prostitution, homosexuality, homophobia, foul language, alcoholism, various illegal acts, general bad taste, etc., etc., etc. Please try to keep in mind that these quotes were quite intentionally left without any of the relevant context as to the situation in which they were said.

As you read the following quotes, please keep in mind that just because I said something or found what someone else said humorous does NOT necessarily mean that I agree with it. I find "shock humor" to be a wonderful form of comedy. I am able to find some inherent humor in most of life, including situations that are entirely repugnant to my personal morality.

If you are at all unsure of your ability to maintain a sense of humor while reading these quotes, I would strongly encourage you to A) find your entertainment elsewhere; and B) chill out.

West Lafayette, Fall 2005

Sara: Why can't I be gay and male so I can get a discount? [link]
Terry: Yeah, it's ten so it's almost quiet time here. [link]
Elaine: <Indignant voice> "Quiet time"? What the FUCK is that?  
Brad: You're socialist clown. [link]
Terry: That almost English.  
Gayle: Stop teasing Brad; he needs nurturing! [link]
Jared: What should I name my character? [link]
Terry: How about "Jorge?"  
Jared: "Jorge?" But my character's a human.  
Terry: Jorge is a human name.  
Jared: My character's human, not Mexican.  
Constantine: WTF... is in "I'm so fucking high" mode. [link]
(Name Withheld): So we're going to use CERIAS to interview this guy. [link]
Gayle: But we severed our lease!  
(Name Withheld): ...Do you want the other black eye?  
Beth: That's what you get for drinking beer and watching porn on your laptop. [link]
Beth: Is a Mojito good? [link]
Gordon Biersch waitress: No, definitely not.  
Beth: It's not? What does it taste like?  
Gordon Biersch waitress: It's like taking Sprite, adding toothpaste and stirring it up.  
Beth: (In response to having to wait too long behind an SUV in the Taco Bell drive-thru line) What are they ordering, all of Mexico? [link]
Eric B.: What's with the Bed, Bath & Beyond flier in the bathroom? [link]
Terry: You know, it's hard to take that shit from you, E.B.  
Brad: Look at your shoes, dude. They've got fucking BUCKLES on them. It's like gay velcro.  
Terry: I think the Thai food wants a second round at my toilet bowl.

I just had a 10-second-long assgurgle.
Terry: What kind of beans do you put in my mom? [link]
Brad: I call them "gametes."  
Joe: Rosa Parks died?

I wonder if she had to ride at the back of the bus to heaven.
Terry: I was trying to think of something other than "passenger train" cause the passenger train of assfucking is so cliche. Everyone's using that phrase these days. [link]
Yost: You don't want to be using the same sodomy metaphor that everyone else does.

Your sodomy should really stand out.
David L.: There's a sports package for Insight. You get ESPN 1 through, like, 10. You get the Curling Network. [link]
Terry: Dude, you go to the *grocery store* to see hot chicks. [link]
Brad: That's more of a sperm of the moment thing though.  
Terry: Man does [this] have high fucked potential attached to it. [link]
Yost: It's too bad there's not a handheld meter for that.

Like a voltmeter.
Terry: Dude, your poor Willowbrook porch. Didn't you piss off it once? [link]
Yost: At least once. Actually, way more than once.

You haven't lived until you've pissed three stories.
Terry: Fucking kosher motherfuckers. [link]
David L.: It's no wonder they had no historical homeland.  
Joe: u r ~ 1337

(thats a logical not bitch!)

commas woulda helped

(that's a logical not, bitch!)

Ah punctuation, you're friend.

Joe: Can I just copy and paste everything I say?

Like ransom notes... only real-time.
Terry: I would like to find the core developer at Sleepycat software for BDB and skullfuck them to death. [link]
Yost: Can you skullfuck someone but not to death?  
Terry: Did you hear that Kristen is pregnant again? Is there a traditional gift you're supposed to give a new dad? A thing of wine or something? [link]
Eric B.: We should buy him a condom.  
Terry: The difference between Butler University and Nevada is that in Nevada you have to pay for your whores. [link]
Alexandra: A penis with a wallet -- what else does a girl need? [link]

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