Memorable Quotes


This is an equal-opportunity quote page. By that I mean that I do my best to make fun of everyone (meaning both individuals and groups) equally.

In these quotes you're likely to find suggestions of sexism, racism, beastiality, prostitution, homosexuality, homophobia, foul language, alcoholism, various illegal acts, general bad taste, etc., etc., etc. Please try to keep in mind that these quotes were quite intentionally left without any of the relevant context as to the situation in which they were said.

As you read the following quotes, please keep in mind that just because I said something or found what someone else said humorous does NOT necessarily mean that I agree with it. I find "shock humor" to be a wonderful form of comedy. I am able to find some inherent humor in most of life, including situations that are entirely repugnant to my personal morality.

If you are at all unsure of your ability to maintain a sense of humor while reading these quotes, I would strongly encourage you to A) find your entertainment elsewhere; and B) chill out.

West Lafayette, Fall 2006

Brad: Man, if I'd been there when [Steve Irwin] dropped that snake, I'd have run like a Kenyan. [link]
David L.: Yeah, I'm ordering the splashguards and mudflaps for my new car. [link]
Terry: Oh, splashguards. You mean eyeglasses.  
Jeff: ...I'm afraid to find out what mudflaps are.  
Terry: Is $5 going to be enough to cover your half of all the ingredients for burritos?

Oh wait, nevermind. If Mexicans are eating them all the time, they can't be too expensive, now can they?
Brad: If you fuck a 180 student you can be brought up on charges. You know, because it's illegal to fuck retards. [link]
Terry: Brad, you could have the Walkabout Soup. [link]
Brad: I dunno, does it have stingray in it?  
Showalter: I like cops unless they're talking to me. [link]
Showalter: As long as her clit's not bigger than your dick, you're fine. [link]
Dulaney: Those freeway shootings are the most cowardly thing ever. I have infinitely more respect for someone who robs a house. [link]
(Name Withheld): I like my colon; I'm good to it, it's good to me. [link]
Brad: But he *does* look like the kind of guy who would wear women's underwear. [link]
Terry: (To the Mehlberg's dog who was sniffing his crotch) Hey, buddy! You can't do that! I require written authorization before I let people go there. [link]
Elaine: Written authorization!?!?! Why?  
Terry: ...'Cause it's a deadly weapon and I want people to understand what they're getting into first.  
Kristen: Deadly how? Deadly because of diseases...?  
Constantine: Why don't they put a really big fat guy in as the goalie? [link]
Brad: God damn it, Constantine. I'll show you that "bottle" can be a verb.  
Jeff: Should I bring a collapsable chair? [link]
Brad: Your mom's a collapsable chair.

...What does that even /mean/?
Terry: Did you hear about my new dating plan? I'm moving to south Texas. Then the girls I date will have nowhere to run anymore. [link]
Yost: Cornering the market, so to speak.  
Joe: But she's not wearing pants! [link]
Brad: Yes she is!  
Joe: But they don't go up to her ass!  
Brad: Yes Joe, they're the GOOD kind of pants.  
Terry: The world needs more women like Liz. [link]
Brad: Can she dislocate her hips, too?  
Showalter's friend: I'm not a retard, I just need 1-on-1 help from time to time. [link]
Lint: There was something non-vaginal-related in there. [link]

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