Memorable Quotes

Disclaimer:

This is an equal-opportunity quote page. By that I mean that I do my best to make fun of everyone (meaning both individuals and groups) equally.

In these quotes you're likely to find suggestions of sexism, racism, beastiality, prostitution, homosexuality, homophobia, foul language, alcoholism, various illegal acts, general bad taste, etc., etc., etc. Please try to keep in mind that these quotes were quite intentionally left without any of the relevant context as to the situation in which they were said.

As you read the following quotes, please keep in mind that just because I said something or found what someone else said humorous does NOT necessarily mean that I agree with it. I find "shock humor" to be a wonderful form of comedy. I am able to find some inherent humor in most of life, including situations that are entirely repugnant to my personal morality.

If you are at all unsure of your ability to maintain a sense of humor while reading these quotes, I would strongly encourage you to A) find your entertainment elsewhere; and B) chill out.

West Lafayette, Winter 2006-07

 
Terry: Either she's criminally retarded or she's hitting on me. [link]
Brad: You phrased that as an either-or. It could very well be both.

Actually, in your case, the first is a requirement for the second.
 
 
Liz: Boys like herpes? [link]
Brad: I prefer hepatitis, it's tangy.  
 
Brad: That guy who cut off his girlfriend's finger on accident? A guy told him he might want to start sleeping on his stomach. [link]
Jeff: That protects one area, but she can still carve out a slab of bacon.  
Brad: Hey, better bacon than sausage.  
 
(Name Withheld): Well, I could nigger-rig it, but it might never work again. [link]
Terry: What, were you going to use epoxy?  
(Name Withheld): Well, yeah, I said "nigger-rig," and niggers love glue.  
 
Brad: I've laid a couple of football fields' worth of cock in your mom. [link]
Terry: What, is this your own personal run to the Superbowl?  
Brad: Indeed. My record is 14-1. There was a poopy incident. My only loss, sadly.

Let's just say that your mom sometimes plays for the Cleveland Browns.
 
Terry: Let me guess: the field was a bit muddy?  
 
Amy: There have been times in the past when I would go to Costco to buy all this Tide, some Canadian Club for my dad, diapers for [my sister's daughter], and some meat for the dogs. I looked like an alcoholic mother on the Atkin's diet with a laundry problem. [link]
 
Yost: Are Italian students that go to Butler called Bulldagos?

Or is that Italian lesbians?

I forget.
[link]
 
Nolandda: (to Terry) You are like the goddamn Cactus historian at this point. [link]
 
Joe: Apparently the groundhog saw his shadow today: six more weeks of bullshit! [link]
 
(Name Withheld): It's a good thing we didn't have sex last night; I had to pee in a cup today! [link]
 
Brad: So you know that black stuff they make Harrison Ford drink in Temple of Doom? You now know what my poop looked like this morning.

It's the first time I've taken a dump that slithered out, like it had its own will and intellect.
[link]
 
Terry: I didn't go to grad school for fun. [link]
Yost: You went for the sodomy.

Go for the learning, stay for the raping.
 
 
Amy: You take such good care of me. [link]
Terry: Yeah, and when I can't provide for your emotionally or intellectually, I can always buy you shit.  
 
Brad: I have this morbid fear of farting while some chick is blowing me. Come on, an orgasm is a full body tense, and there are times during my rigorous schedule of self-love that I've cranked one out while cumming. [link]
 
Liz: I don't like the little nubby thing. [link]
 
Brad: I'm going to be high-steppin' through the snow like I'm runnin' from police dogs. [link]
 
Amy: I may buy some hoes later.

I mean shoes, not hoes.
[link]
 
Yost: Can IMs even escape from Texas?

I thought the internets went uphill there or something.
[link]

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