Memorable Quotes


This is an equal-opportunity quote page. By that I mean that I do my best to make fun of everyone (meaning both individuals and groups) equally.

In these quotes you're likely to find suggestions of sexism, racism, beastiality, prostitution, homosexuality, homophobia, foul language, alcoholism, various illegal acts, general bad taste, etc., etc., etc. Please try to keep in mind that these quotes were quite intentionally left without any of the relevant context as to the situation in which they were said.

As you read the following quotes, please keep in mind that just because I said something or found what someone else said humorous does NOT necessarily mean that I agree with it. I find "shock humor" to be a wonderful form of comedy. I am able to find some inherent humor in most of life, including situations that are entirely repugnant to my personal morality.

If you are at all unsure of your ability to maintain a sense of humor while reading these quotes, I would strongly encourage you to A) find your entertainment elsewhere; and B) chill out.

West Lafayette, Spring 2007

Jan: And over here in this corner, this where I'm going to put all my exercise equipment. [link]
Ryan: Yeah, that's a good idea. Why don't you store your Santa Claus and your unicorn over there. Because they're all non-existent.  
Brad: Sorry Terry, you can't ride with me; my nuts are riding shotgun. [link]
Ralph: It was a case of premature shooting. [link]
Terry: (After seeing Eric D. walking into our office) Officer on deck! [link]
Rob K.: What, do you want us to stand up and salute?  
Terry: I don't know about you, but I'm already salutin'.  
Adam H.: <Several seconds of horrified/nauseated sounds>

I hurt inside.
Yost: If [they] send you to Austin, I will die laughing.

And then you will die, because nobody enters Austin alive.
Terry: I disagree. They enter alive, it just has an airborne virus that kills crazy bitches. I've gone there twice and had no ill effects.  
Yost: Crazy bitches come in, but they don't come out. It's like a crazy bitch roach motel.  
Brad: Whatever, dude, you got a blowjob from your sister. [link]
Castor: No, Brad, I don't HAVE a sister.

It was my step-cousin. There was no blood relation.
Jim V.: Yeah, put Brad in charge of that. He'll shoot the place up within a month. [link]
swadsworth: I suspect that I've eaten a Twinkie that was far older than ones that anyone else on this call have eaten. While it didn't go stale, it _was_ different. [link]
Terry: Man, Mike D. totally got his wife pregnant. [link]
Brad: How'd that happen? I thought he ejaculated bong resin.  
Terry: While it was significant, [that] was not the most expensive part of our relationship. [link]
Brad: Antibiotics?  
Lint: I'm drinking a Riesling. It's called Relax. [link]
Jared: Is it relaxing?  
Lint: I'm fuckin' relaxed.  
Brad: The thing is, though, Jim Beam can have the same effect.  
Lint: Yes he can. But it's a different denomination. If I finish this bottle of wine, I'll still be able to hold my bowels.  
Alexa: Why do they call it "Deadliest Catch?" [link]
Terry: Because crab fishing is the world's deadliest job. You can make like $75,000 in a weekend because it's really dangerous. Last season three or four people died.  
Alexa: ...They died? Did the crabs kill them?  

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