Memorable Quotes


This is an equal-opportunity quote page. By that I mean that I do my best to make fun of everyone (meaning both individuals and groups) equally.

In these quotes you're likely to find suggestions of sexism, racism, beastiality, prostitution, homosexuality, homophobia, foul language, alcoholism, various illegal acts, general bad taste, etc., etc., etc. Please try to keep in mind that these quotes were quite intentionally left without any of the relevant context as to the situation in which they were said.

As you read the following quotes, please keep in mind that just because I said something or found what someone else said humorous does NOT necessarily mean that I agree with it. I find "shock humor" to be a wonderful form of comedy. I am able to find some inherent humor in most of life, including situations that are entirely repugnant to my personal morality.

If you are at all unsure of your ability to maintain a sense of humor while reading these quotes, I would strongly encourage you to A) find your entertainment elsewhere; and B) chill out.

West Lafayette, Summer 2007

Terry: Fuck. I'm retarded. #1 on my cell phone's speed dial should be set to the Special Olympics. When I dial 911 it should redirect to them. [link]
Jeff: I think my liver's going to need a life jacket. [link]
Amy: (Wiping the sleep from her eyes) Did we watch a movie last night? ...Did I like it? [link]
The Reverend Aaron Lehmann: (responding to an email from Terry announcing a weekend of socializing, even though he lives in Virginia) I'd love to come, Terry, but that 14 hour commute is a killer. :-) [link]
Terry: The question isn't how far, the question is do you possess the constitution, the depth of faith, to go as far as necessary?  
Terry: What day did you say you wanted to do the whiteboard-hangin' party? Cause there's no party like a hangin' party. You can call us Terry D and the Lynch Mob. [link]
Brad: [She] is like Pokemon with VD... Gotta catch 'em all! [link]
Lint: A list of all the Care Bears. *That* is why Wikipedia is awesome. [link]
Brad: How did the [spicy vodka tomato cream] sauce turn out? [link]
Terry: Really, really tasty. But it's unbelievably heavy. I haven't feel this bloated after a meal in some time. You need to watch your portion sizes with this dish.  
Brad: Wow, how much of it did you eat?  
Terry: I'll show you a picture of it once I'm done with it.  
Brad: If you take a picture of your next dump and send it to me, I'm going to shit on your desk.  
Terry: ...So, granted, by this point in the evening I'm fairly altered. But try as I may, I can't catch up to Pat. He was really downing them. He was on the MAGLEV train to fuckedupedness. [link]
Yost: That's probably the first time I've heard an alcohol metaphor using electromagnets.  
Terry: You know what you need? Stirfry. [link]
Jeff: That *will* clean me out to a point where the wind whistles as it passes through me.  
Terry: So I'm hosting a stir fry night tonight. [link]
Yost: I do miss some Terry stir-fry.


I recall some miserable fucking mornings trying to hold my bowels in during database class.
Ashley: I think I just like male doctors. [link]
Zach: Aaron's going to have his Ph.D. He'll be Dr. Lint.  
Ashley: No, no.... I mean. I said MALE doctors!  
Lint: ...Wait.  
Dulaney: You bought a new car? [link]
Terry: Yeah, it's parked out front, you can see it out the window.  
Dulaney: ...You bought a BUICK?!?!?!?  
Terry: You're using your wickedly-sharp pocketknife to pick up fruit? Let's play spot the Boy Scout. [link]
Rob K.: I've got my hands and pocketknife, who needs utensils?  
Joe: I don't think they teach you to stab fruit in the Boy Scouts.

Amy: Honey, if we get engaged, I get an engagement ring. What do you get? [link]
Terry: Laid.  
Terry: I can promise you that I'll never, ever take you to Ryan's Steakhouse. We're not old enough to go there. [link]
Amy: They card there, but it's an AARP card.  
Terry: Just 'cause it's statutory doesn't make it rape.

(Name Withheld): Oh yeah, are you the one responsible for the tragedy in the bathroom?

It was like someone skinned a man of color, chopped up the skin, and scattered it on the back of the bowl.

It was like shite confetti.
Brad: (to Liz) Well, honey, if you're going to cuckold me, I at least want to profit from it. [link]
Terry: You know, you could be more proactive in this; you could pimp her out.  
Brad: I don't want her to think she's *worth* anything.  
Terry: McDonald's breakfast is pretty good, no question. I was talking to Amy though, and she was saying when it gets really stressful at her office the guy who owns the place walks around and hands out $50 bills.

...Did you hear that Mike?
Mike M.: In this case, McDonald's breakfast will have to do.

And if it doesn't, I hope you choke to death on it.

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