Memorable Quotes


This is an equal-opportunity quote page. By that I mean that I do my best to make fun of everyone (meaning both individuals and groups) equally.

In these quotes you're likely to find suggestions of sexism, racism, beastiality, prostitution, homosexuality, homophobia, foul language, alcoholism, various illegal acts, general bad taste, etc., etc., etc. Please try to keep in mind that these quotes were quite intentionally left without any of the relevant context as to the situation in which they were said.

As you read the following quotes, please keep in mind that just because I said something or found what someone else said humorous does NOT necessarily mean that I agree with it. I find "shock humor" to be a wonderful form of comedy. I am able to find some inherent humor in most of life, including situations that are entirely repugnant to my personal morality.

If you are at all unsure of your ability to maintain a sense of humor while reading these quotes, I would strongly encourage you to A) find your entertainment elsewhere; and B) chill out.

Cincinnati, Summer 2009

Terry: If the word "Auburn" is found within the first eight words of a sentence, it's a law that the word "drunk" has to be found within the first fourteen words. [link]
Terry: [His] whole line of questioning was kind of like a geological dig through horror; it had many distinct strata of horrifying sandwiched together over time. [link]
Devina: Matt, are you still looking at porn on my phone? [link]
Sharkbait: No, I got off.  
Liz: While I love talking about beating bitches, I need to leave for lunch. [link]
Terry: It was interesting to see a picture of her. I hadn't seen her since we were both thirteen. It was good to see she was still hot. Not thirteen-hot, but still hot. [link]
Terry: It's too bad there aren't life system restore points. [That] would have been a good occasion to dump state on persistant storage and explore a bit, knowing I could revert at any point.

I wish life was more like a modern operating system.
Liz: I am special and unique like a snowflake. [link]
Terry: ...Keep thinking that. Self-delusion is encouraged for anyone dating Brad.

It's like a survival mechanism.
Amy: My sister found boxes and boxes full of abandoned Cabbage Patch Dolls. It looked like an orphanage. [link]
Terry: I'm calling Child Protective Services.  
Amy: What the hell is that guy wearing? It looks like a muumuu. [link]
Terry: It's a man-muu.  
Amy: I don't spend $1,000 to purchase a dog.

I get free dogs that end up costing millions.
(Name Withheld): I saw that the lottery jackpot is up over $100 million again. Gotta keep in mind though, if you take it as a lump sum you get like $50 million and then after taxes that's like $30 million. [link]
Terry: And if you keep talking about divorce, you'll lose half of that thirty.  
(Name Withheld): That's not a loss; that's winning the lottery for the second time.  
Liz: I've discovered I'm excellent at taking code I don't understand, bullshitting my way through it, and making it work for me anyway. [link]
Terry: I'm guess I'm glad they didn't crap on my day for no good goddamn reason.

I can take some amount of getting-crapped-upon as long as there is, in my opinion, a good goddamn reason.

In that case, bring on the feces.

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