Memorable Quotes

Disclaimer:

This is an equal-opportunity quote page. By that I mean that I do my best to make fun of everyone (meaning both individuals and groups) equally.

In these quotes you're likely to find suggestions of sexism, racism, beastiality, prostitution, homosexuality, homophobia, foul language, alcoholism, various illegal acts, general bad taste, etc., etc., etc. Please try to keep in mind that these quotes were quite intentionally left without any of the relevant context as to the situation in which they were said.

As you read the following quotes, please keep in mind that just because I said something or found what someone else said humorous does NOT necessarily mean that I agree with it. I find "shock humor" to be a wonderful form of comedy. I am able to find some inherent humor in most of life, including situations that are entirely repugnant to my personal morality.

If you are at all unsure of your ability to maintain a sense of humor while reading these quotes, I would strongly encourage you to A) find your entertainment elsewhere; and B) chill out.

Purdue, Fall 2003

 
Devina: Well, it's not rape really. It's just statutory rape.
[link]
Terry: ...And that's better?  
 
Terry: Brad, you want some veggies? [link]
Brad: NO!  
Yost: Yeah, that's room you could fill with beer.  
 
(Name Withheld): Brad is like a stench you can't wash off. [link]
 
Anne: Med students are so stupid. [link]
 
Terry: You don't like Pink Floyd? [link]
Brad: No, it's totally gay.  
Terry: Pink Floyd is NOT gay.  
Yost: Only because they didn't know what gay WAS back then.  
 
Brad: Why is my taco wet? [link]
 
(Name Withheld): Terry, you make me spray all over the place. [link]
 
The Reverend Aaron Lehmann: She's the Dyke of Doom. [link]
 
The Reverend Aaron Lehmann: Is that cow trying to kick its way out? [link]
 
Terry: I'm like a gas station for your soul. [link]
 
Brad: I want my food so hot that it burns my nut hair off when my shit hits the bowl. [link]
 
Yost: So in Seattle Taco Bell has what they call "Mexi-Nuggets."
[link]
Terry: PC Load Letter?  
Yost: I don't know, they're some wetback tater-tot or something.  
 
The Reverend Aaron Lehmann: You know, the Nazis really had no business sense. [link]
 
The Reverend Aaron Lehmann: The Nazis could have been pharmacological giants. [link]
 
Devina: Derek Jeter is an apostrophe. [link]
 
Brad: (to Yost) You got tarred with the fag-brush. [link]
 
Terry: Syslogd doesn't sleep well at night when it's running on a machine I admin. [link]
 
Nolandda: I have weaknesses that other people don't. [link]
Terry: What, like homosexuality?  
Nolandda: ...I don't consider that a weakness.  
 
The Reverend Aaron Lehmann: Having measured both with my two hands, I can say your cock is bigger than Lynn Hoffman's neck. [link]
 
Devina: I'd knock the Jesus right outta him. [link]
 
Yost: That kid needs a tall, frosty glass of Shut The Hell Up. [link]
 
Nolandda: Don't let Brad tell the story. He leaves out salient bits. [link]
Brad: Like what?  
Nolandda: The middle of the story.  
 
Sharkbait: Jorge Faiez? Is he the guy with the itchy monkey? [link]
 
Terry: So, Scott, how was the marijuana? [link]
Yost: It was good, but not $50,000 good.  
 
Yost: Mmmmmm. Cream in my mouth. [link]
 
Brad: Beer. It's like flowers for boys. [link]
 
Terry: Why on earth would Vitek's wife want to take 180? [link]
Yost: To improve their pillow talk.  
 
Devina: Why doesn't everyone drink all the time? This is fun! [link]
 
Terry: Devina, I think you're allergic to god. [link]
 
Terry: C'mon, you're going to be a Pierce. That's like marrying into white trash royalty. [link]
 
Terry: Teutonic motherfucker. He should be concerning himself with the best way to conquer Poland or something. [link]
 
Yost: There's a Speaker of the House? [link]
Terry: Yeah.  
Yost: In the House?  
Terry: Yeah, that's usually how it works.  
 
Yost: [He] said that Hezbollah were stand-up guys. [link]
 
The Reverend Aaron Lehmann: Bitch, I'll fuck you until you're so swollen you're not loose anymore. [link]
 
Brad: You might be an alcoholic when you wonder which beer would taste best with toothpaste. [link]
 
Nolandda: I prefer not to take my sausage orally. [link]
 
Brad: My dick might be hanging out. This is just a friendly warning. [link]
 
Terry: Well, there could be a major without any students. [link]
The Reverend Aaron Lehmann: That's called Jewish Studies.  
 
Brad: She's like a jizz chipmunk. [link]
 
Terry: That would totally strengthen our friendship, joining AA together and all. [link]
 
Terry: C'mon, man, you set your friend on fire. Your FRIEND! [link]
Nolandda: ..."Friend" is such a strong word.  
 
Yost: Terry, avenge me! [link]
 
Yost: Na-na, na-na. [link]
 
Terry: Devina, your dad is the BASF of the defense industry. He doesn't make our nuclear warheads, he makes them better. [link]
 
Yost: (to Brad) I think you need to have a soul to have a soul-mate. [link]
 
Yost: (guessing what question a small child asked his parent while looking at Brad) Mommy, why is that man so thin? [link]
 
Devina: We have to make sure she's talking to you first. [link]
Terry: ...You can't talk with a dick in your mouth.  
 
Terry: (to Collegiate Communities) In the spirit of community and friendship that your company has helped foster, we feel it is our neighborly duty to inform you that you eat yards of cock. [link]
 
Yost: Transactinos! It sounds like a failed Italian restaurant. [link]
 
Brad: That's like getting fucked in the ass with a fire hydrant instead of a fire truck. [link]
 
Molly: Sean, don't forget the income from my student loans. [link]
Sean: ...*INCOME*?!?!!?!?  
 
D'Agosta: (to Terry) I think I'm the only caveman in San Francisco, so you need to move to San Francisco, there'd be two of us. [link]
 
Molly: (to Terry, upon being handed his keychain) Thanks, Warden. [link]
 
Yost: I love when I shoot a guy in the face and he gets permanently blinded.

(Pause)

That sounds dirty.
[link]
 
Brad: This laptop is warm, like Harry Potter's ass. [link]
 
Yost: After eating your stir-fry I feel like someone kicked me in the intestines. [link]
 
Brad: So I wrote my little translator today. [link]
Yost: What, the translator that changes Andrew's code into working code?  
 
Brad: I'm going to take my shirt off before I go out there.

(Pause)

...Ow.
[link]
 
Brad: Dude, you landed on Mr. Driller. [link]
 
Brad: (parodying his mother) This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you. [link]
Brad: Bitch, that belt stings!  
 
Yost: I can't believe Meg didn't invite me to her wedding! [link]
Terry: Well, wasn't there something going on between you two at some point?  
Yost: Yeah, but if that was a problem she wouldn't have been able to invite ANYBODY to her wedding.  
 
Devina: Alex is aspiring to be ... my dad.

Pretend I didn't say those words.
[link]
 
The Reverend Aaron Lehmann: It's not Brad's fault; it's just that his gag reflex is stronger than his work ethic. [link]
 
Terry: Devina, you're not evil, you just have a flexible moral system. [link]

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