Memorable Quotes

Disclaimer:

This is an equal-opportunity quote page. By that I mean that I do my best to make fun of everyone (meaning both individuals and groups) equally.

In these quotes you're likely to find suggestions of sexism, racism, beastiality, prostitution, homosexuality, homophobia, foul language, alcoholism, various illegal acts, general bad taste, etc., etc., etc. Please try to keep in mind that these quotes were quite intentionally left without any of the relevant context as to the situation in which they were said.

As you read the following quotes, please keep in mind that just because I said something or found what someone else said humorous does NOT necessarily mean that I agree with it. I find "shock humor" to be a wonderful form of comedy. I am able to find some inherent humor in most of life, including situations that are entirely repugnant to my personal morality.

If you are at all unsure of your ability to maintain a sense of humor while reading these quotes, I would strongly encourage you to A) find your entertainment elsewhere; and B) chill out.

Quotes said by (Name Withheld)

 
(Name Withheld): That'd be great -- puking down Jenn Graham's cleavage. [link]
 
(Name Withheld): I've only slept with three people... haven't I? [link]
 
(Name Withheld): I'll lobby for you guys to have assistantships in the fall. I'd rather have a known quantity than to have another Lynn Hoffman. God KNOWS that was a waste of money. [link]
 
Student: His quote to me was, 'Sucks to be you.' [link]
(Name Withheld): Well, you missed the exam. It does suck to be you.  
 
(Name Withheld): Brad is like a stench you can't wash off. [link]
 
(Name Withheld): Terry, you make me spray all over the place. [link]
 
(Name Withheld): If it wasn't for Oedipus I'd never get laid. [link]
 
(Name Withheld): Bowel emergency must run. [link]
Brad: Heh, hour of power on the toilet  
(Name Withheld): Like 10 seconds. I'll probably achieve liftoff though. Every action has an equal....  
Brad: Thank you, Werner von Colon.  
 
(Name Withheld): If a woman ever shits on me, that will be the end of the relationship. No questions asked. [link]
Sally: That's a good line for a personal ad. And also a convenient way for a girl to let you know she wants to break up.  
 
(Name Withheld): I just want to be one of the backup Negros. [link]
 
(Name Withheld): I thought we'd made it painfully clear we were on vacation celebrating the birth of the Savior that they killed. [link]
 
(Name Withheld): I got in trouble for giving bad head one time, but it was like the first time I saw a penis ever. [link]
 
(Name Withheld): You know what we should do next? [link]
Terry: Your mom.  
(Name Withheld): No, we should actually do [work stuff].  
Terry: ...Your mom would be more enjoyable though.  
(Name Withheld): She's gone through menopause; she's really dry.  
 
(Name Withheld): I made your mom look like the glutton in that movie 'Se7en,' but it wasn't spaghetti sauce she was eating. [link]
 
(Name Withheld): Man, I would have made a new hole in her. I would have fucked her spine. She would have been in a wheelchair when I was done. [link]
 
(Name Withheld): So we're going to use CERIAS to interview this guy. [link]
Gayle: But we severed our lease!  
(Name Withheld): ...Do you want the other black eye?  
 
(Name Withheld): I was like, "Whoah," and then it smacked me in the face. [link]
 
Terry: And you sure seem like you don't want to unpack today. [link]
(Name Withheld): I don't really want to do much of anything today except take a dump.  
 
(Name Withheld): I like my colon; I'm good to it, it's good to me. [link]
 
(Name Withheld): Well, I could nigger-rig it, but it might never work again. [link]
Terry: What, were you going to use epoxy?  
(Name Withheld): Well, yeah, I said "nigger-rig," and niggers love glue.  
 
(Name Withheld): It's a good thing we didn't have sex last night; I had to pee in a cup today! [link]
 
(Name Withheld): Oh yeah, are you the one responsible for the tragedy in the bathroom?

It was like someone skinned a man of color, chopped up the skin, and scattered it on the back of the bowl.

It was like shite confetti.
[link]
 
(Name Withheld): I have a huge weakness for girls that are crying. It's so attractive. If a girl's crying, she instantly loses a good 50 pounds in my eyes easy. [link]
 
(Name Withheld): We have an addition to the family.

I believe I'll call him "Turdie" or "Turdboy."

Like most babies, he kicked and screamed on the way out, weighed about 8 pounds, and was about 19 inches long.
[link]
 
(Name Withheld): Dude, I just created something new a couple of minutes ago in the bathroom. I call it "Firefudge."

It had all the properties of regular fudge, but it feels like it's made of white-hot razor blades.

It's like it had fragment of the Soul Edge in it.
[link]
 
(Name Withheld): There's a difference between a slutbag and a cum-dumpster. [link]
 
(Name Withheld): I saw that the lottery jackpot is up over $100 million again. Gotta keep in mind though, if you take it as a lump sum you get like $50 million and then after taxes that's like $30 million. [link]
Terry: And if you keep talking about divorce, you'll lose half of that thirty.  
(Name Withheld): That's not a loss; that's winning the lottery for the second time.  
 
(Name Withheld): I wonder if her throat is as flexible as her body. [link]
 
(Name Withheld): I think that "Beat A Bitch With A Bat Day" is going to continue into tomorrow. [link]
Terry: Hell, you should celebrate the start of summer like the Discovery Channel does with sharks: make a week out of it.  
 
(Name Withheld): If my only options left in the world were fuck (girl 1), fuck (girl 2) or saw my dick off with a rusty spoon, I'd be seriously tempted to roll a d6. [link]
 
(Name Withheld): Pounding a nail through your cock is not the worst thing in the world. Jesus did it. [link]

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