Memorable Quotes

Disclaimer:

This is an equal-opportunity quote page. By that I mean that I do my best to make fun of everyone (meaning both individuals and groups) equally.

In these quotes you're likely to find suggestions of sexism, racism, beastiality, prostitution, homosexuality, homophobia, foul language, alcoholism, various illegal acts, general bad taste, etc., etc., etc. Please try to keep in mind that these quotes were quite intentionally left without any of the relevant context as to the situation in which they were said.

As you read the following quotes, please keep in mind that just because I said something or found what someone else said humorous does NOT necessarily mean that I agree with it. I find "shock humor" to be a wonderful form of comedy. I am able to find some inherent humor in most of life, including situations that are entirely repugnant to my personal morality.

If you are at all unsure of your ability to maintain a sense of humor while reading these quotes, I would strongly encourage you to A) find your entertainment elsewhere; and B) chill out.

Quotes said by Amy

 
Amy: There have been times in the past when I would go to Costco to buy all this Tide, some Canadian Club for my dad, diapers for [my sister's daughter], and some meat for the dogs. I looked like an alcoholic mother on the Atkin's diet with a laundry problem. [link]
 
Amy: You take such good care of me. [link]
Terry: Yeah, and when I can't provide for your emotionally or intellectually, I can always buy you shit.  
 
Amy: I may buy some hoes later.

I mean shoes, not hoes.
[link]
 
Amy: (Wiping the sleep from her eyes) Did we watch a movie last night? ...Did I like it? [link]
 
Amy: Honey, if we get engaged, I get an engagement ring. What do you get? [link]
Terry: Laid.  
 
Terry: I can promise you that I'll never, ever take you to Ryan's Steakhouse. We're not old enough to go there. [link]
Amy: They card there, but it's an AARP card.  
 
Terry: Did you see that? What was that bright thing moving outside in our back yard? [link]
Amy: It's probably a radioactive squirrel or something.  
Terry: ...Amy, be honest: was that actually the first thought that sprung to your mind?  
 
Amy: My sister found boxes and boxes full of abandoned Cabbage Patch Dolls. It looked like an orphanage. [link]
Terry: I'm calling Child Protective Services.  
 
Amy: What the hell is that guy wearing? It looks like a muumuu. [link]
Terry: It's a man-muu.  
 
Amy: I don't spend $1,000 to purchase a dog.

I get free dogs that end up costing millions.
[link]
 
Amy's Cardiologist: (to Amy in the recovery room) Your scan came up clean, there's no plaque buildup or blockages in your heart. [link]
Amy: (her first full English sentence after coming out of anesthesia) ...Does that mean I can eat more bacon?  
 
Terry: Big Man didn't want to eat his food with meds in them. I had to feed him and then give him his meds wrapped in cheese afterwards. Guess feeding him has become a two-phase operation. [link]
Amy: We'll see. You can put the cheese ball on top.  
Terry: It's like a cherry on top, but with narcotics!  
 
Terry: Well, if the power goes out tonight, guess we can't record Deadliest Catch. [link]
Amy: You can't record something when the power's out?  
Terry: No, Amy, how can the thing work with no power?  
Amy: I don't know how DirecTV works! It could record on a chip up in space for all I know!  
 
Amy: I'm going to the farmers market so I can get eggs fresh from the chicken's ass. [link]
Terry: ...I wish I shat awesomeness.  
 
Amy: I heard Snookie is pregnant. [link]
Terry: There's no way that kid is going to be carried to full-term.

That womb is made of cocaine and alcohol.
 

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