Memorable Quotes


This is an equal-opportunity quote page. By that I mean that I do my best to make fun of everyone (meaning both individuals and groups) equally.

In these quotes you're likely to find suggestions of sexism, racism, beastiality, prostitution, homosexuality, homophobia, foul language, alcoholism, various illegal acts, general bad taste, etc., etc., etc. Please try to keep in mind that these quotes were quite intentionally left without any of the relevant context as to the situation in which they were said.

As you read the following quotes, please keep in mind that just because I said something or found what someone else said humorous does NOT necessarily mean that I agree with it. I find "shock humor" to be a wonderful form of comedy. I am able to find some inherent humor in most of life, including situations that are entirely repugnant to my personal morality.

If you are at all unsure of your ability to maintain a sense of humor while reading these quotes, I would strongly encourage you to A) find your entertainment elsewhere; and B) chill out.

Quotes said by Nolandda

Nolandda: That's great that we're bad people. [link]
Discovery Channel: The British [something] Museum collects squid from the stomachs of sperm whales. [link]
Nolandda: ...Uhm, get a hobby?  
Nolandda: At least Kennedy had taste. He turned to the Secret Service and said 'Bring me the best.' [link]
Nolandda: We've got a B, a D, and an S. Now we just need an M. [link]
Terry: Can't you do that, distribute the e inside? [link]
Nolandda: No, you can't do that! That's like the Universal Freshman Theorem!  
Brad: Was your shit like a fecal firehose? [link]
Nolandda: That information is on a need-to-know basis; unless you are fucking me in the ass you don't need to know.  
Terry: The only bad thing about this song is at the very end they throw up a solid wall of noise. [link]
Nolandda: ...But you still listen to techno?  
Nolandda: This paper has a 60 page bibliography. God bless America! [link]
Nolandda: Did you know there's such a thing as public-key steganography? It's kind of fucked up.

...I like it!
Yost: That was a 90 minute final. [link]
Nolandda: Bullshit. It was a two hour exam.  
Yost: Only if you knew all the answers.  
Nolandda: Senators versus Devils? Well, isn't that just a gathering of evil. [link]
Lita: I even peed slow for you. [link]
Nolandda: ...I've never had a girl say THAT to me before.  
Terry: We should just like outlaw the Jews or something. [link]
Nolandda: ...Uh, yeah, I think they tried that once.  
Nolandda: CSPAN-2. Like anyone watches CSPAN-1. [link]
Nolandda: I have weaknesses that other people don't. [link]
Terry: What, like homosexuality?  
Nolandda: ...I don't consider that a weakness.  
Nolandda: Don't let Brad tell the story. He leaves out salient bits. [link]
Brad: Like what?  
Nolandda: The middle of the story.  
Nolandda: I prefer not to take my sausage orally. [link]
Terry: C'mon, man, you set your friend on fire. Your FRIEND! [link]
Nolandda: ..."Friend" is such a strong word.  
Terry: After not eating ALL day, a large load of fairly spicy Chinese food is going to cause my guts to go on strike. [link]
Nolandda: "Strike" is such a ... passive way to describe what they're really going to do.  
Nolandda: [Duffner]'s like the platonic ideal of an asshat. [link]
Nolandda: That's why I'm the navigator: because I can fold a map. [link]
Nolandda: What's cute about whales? They ejaculate water from the top of their heads. I mean, it's cool when girls squirt, but.... [link]
Nolandda: Believe me, I'm not a hippo-fucker. [link]
Nolandda: [She] was out for blood. I can respect bloodlust. [link]
Brad: The Grumpy Chinese Man brand chili oil should have a warning label on it that says, "Thou shalt have a seat belt installed on thy toilet." [link]
Nolandda: ...How do you know it doesn't?  
Terry: So does anyone know how the Dow did today? [link]
Joe: It dropped like your father's pants.  
Mehlberg: Was it knee level or shin level?  
Terry: I managed to swallow that one down.  
Nolandda: ...Like so many before.  
Mehlberg: You gotta think before you open that mouth.  
Terry: They're just snowballing on me now.  
Terry: We have talked about how your fruity red drink is really gay, like E.B. gay. [link]
Griffin: No, we haven't.  
Nolandda: Perhaps we should talk about it now.  
Terry: You in for dinner tomorrow night? [link]
Nolandda: Yes, but I'm not in for the Cactus.  
Terry: That's fine, because Chris IS in for the Cactus. So if I can combine the two of you, I'll have the best night ever.

(The room starts laughing)

...Damn it.
Keith: You might want to look into one of those portable air conditioning units. [link]
Nolandda: How do they work? Where does the hot air go?  
Keith: They put out more cold air than hot air.  
Nolandda: No they don't.  
David L.: I get it now! It's like the Noland Effect. [link]
Nolandda: The Noland Effect: C code becomes more clear when I'm present. It's like my mutant power.  
Nolandda: I am like Mr. Wizard on crack! [link]
Eric D.: Do we look stupid? [link]
Nolandda: We look stupid for thinking [they] were that smart.  
Joe: How long does it take to get a firearm in this state? [link]
Nolandda: Well, it took /me/ awhile, but....  
Nolandda: Your failed business model is not my problem. [link]
Nolandda: War bonds were a great idea! I wish they sold "War on Terror" bonds. I would sell them short. [link]
Nolandda: By the way... Requirement is Turing-undecidable. [link]
Brad: Have you ever seen a real, honest-to-god grease fire? It's great! [link]
Nolandda: This must be some new definition of "great" that I'm unfamiliar with.  
Brad: You burned down your high school and you're telling me fire's not great!?!?!?!  
Brad: Are you taking a handgun on your trip to Texas? [link]
Terry: Uhhh, no. Why?  
Nolandda: I think it's the law.  
Nolandda: ...Well, the bottom of the sack dropped out but everything's fine. [link]
Brad: Wait, didn't the same thing happen to you?  
Nolandda: (to Terry) You are like the goddamn Cactus historian at this point. [link]

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