Memorable Quotes

Disclaimer:

This is an equal-opportunity quote page. By that I mean that I do my best to make fun of everyone (meaning both individuals and groups) equally.

In these quotes you're likely to find suggestions of sexism, racism, beastiality, prostitution, homosexuality, homophobia, foul language, alcoholism, various illegal acts, general bad taste, etc., etc., etc. Please try to keep in mind that these quotes were quite intentionally left without any of the relevant context as to the situation in which they were said.

As you read the following quotes, please keep in mind that just because I said something or found what someone else said humorous does NOT necessarily mean that I agree with it. I find "shock humor" to be a wonderful form of comedy. I am able to find some inherent humor in most of life, including situations that are entirely repugnant to my personal morality.

If you are at all unsure of your ability to maintain a sense of humor while reading these quotes, I would strongly encourage you to A) find your entertainment elsewhere; and B) chill out.

Quotes said by Yost

 
Yost: His pecs are bouncing.... I don't know whose tits to look at. [link]
 
Yost: I kind of feel that anyone who really likes Perl is someone who I don't want writing my code. [link]
 
Yost: Cooperation through intimidation. It's like the American way. [link]
 
Terry: That's why it's okay for the US to have WMD -- cause we're *good* and we'll only use it on the *bad* people. [link]
Yost: You misspelled brown.  
 
Yost: That was a 90 minute final. [link]
Nolandda: Bullshit. It was a two hour exam.  
Yost: Only if you knew all the answers.  
 
Terry: Brad, you want some veggies? [link]
Brad: NO!  
Yost: Yeah, that's room you could fill with beer.  
 
Terry: You don't like Pink Floyd? [link]
Brad: No, it's totally gay.  
Terry: Pink Floyd is NOT gay.  
Yost: Only because they didn't know what gay WAS back then.  
 
Yost: So in Seattle Taco Bell has what they call "Mexi-Nuggets."
[link]
Terry: PC Load Letter?  
Yost: I don't know, they're some wetback tater-tot or something.  
 
Yost: That kid needs a tall, frosty glass of Shut The Hell Up. [link]
 
Terry: So, Scott, how was the marijuana? [link]
Yost: It was good, but not $50,000 good.  
 
Yost: Mmmmmm. Cream in my mouth. [link]
 
Terry: Why on earth would Vitek's wife want to take 180? [link]
Yost: To improve their pillow talk.  
 
Yost: There's a Speaker of the House? [link]
Terry: Yeah.  
Yost: In the House?  
Terry: Yeah, that's usually how it works.  
 
Yost: [He] said that Hezbollah were stand-up guys. [link]
 
Yost: Terry, avenge me! [link]
 
Yost: Na-na, na-na. [link]
 
Yost: (to Brad) I think you need to have a soul to have a soul-mate. [link]
 
Yost: (guessing what question a small child asked his parent while looking at Brad) Mommy, why is that man so thin? [link]
 
Yost: Transactinos! It sounds like a failed Italian restaurant. [link]
 
Yost: I love when I shoot a guy in the face and he gets permanently blinded.

(Pause)

That sounds dirty.
[link]
 
Yost: After eating your stir-fry I feel like someone kicked me in the intestines. [link]
 
Brad: So I wrote my little translator today. [link]
Yost: What, the translator that changes Andrew's code into working code?  
 
Yost: I can't believe Meg didn't invite me to her wedding! [link]
Terry: Well, wasn't there something going on between you two at some point?  
Yost: Yeah, but if that was a problem she wouldn't have been able to invite ANYBODY to her wedding.  
 
Terry: By the way, I need a proxy. [link]
Yost: What manner of proxy?  
Terry: You're closer to Chicago. I need you to head up to UIC, grab Dan Bernstein, and take a nice long piss in his mouth for me.  
 
Yost: Any girl that requires calculus to determine is bad news. [link]
Terry: What's the derivative of Lindsay with respect to X?  
Yost: Exactly. Rates of change and shit.  
 
Yost: You compile a lot of shitty programs. [link]
Terry: I compile a lot of UNIX programs.

You draw the conclusions, if any.
 
 
Yost: What does that do to you, if you fuck Death? [link]
Terry: ...Can you imagine his jizz?  
Yost: I bet it would give you a yeast infection.  
 
Yost: I try not to make the dick-eating sound very often. [link]
 
Yost: God, looking at her, it makes me want to fuck that trash can over there! [link]
 
Terry: Speaking of das Cactus, I'm out this Friday but maybe the following one?

Oh wait, that might actually require you to, you know, plan ahead. My bad.
[link]
Yost: I can plan ahead for you to eat my balls.  
 
Yost: Bullets are the universal language. [link]
 
Yost: Who gets their undies twisted over a 9/10? [link]
Terry: Fox would have.  
Yost: Fox would have earned himself a frosty glass of fucked in the mouth. Or maybe a pitcher.  
 
Yost: Please don't hit the soft bits. [link]
 
Yost: Why does my coffee taste like vodka? [link]
 
Morgan: D in the B with no L or C. [link]
(Whole Room): Wha...?!?!?  
Morgan: D in the B with no L or C: dick in the butt with no lube or condom.  
Yost: ...Why do you have an abbreviation for that?  
 
Yost: Although I know you have no great respect for authority, having seen your flagrant disregard for the sodomy laws. [link]
 
Yost: Well, color me fucked.

I hear Crayola makes a special crayon for that these days.
[link]
 
Terry: [She] was all, "Man, there comes a point where above a certain level of horniness, the only thing that will satisfy me is anal sex." [link]
Yost: Neat. I have never heard a girl say that. I can't believe they could give me a diploma knowing I had never heard a girl say that.  
 
Yost: (to Terry) You need a dead bitches storage facility. [link]
 
Terry: I'm just trying to figure out what my life would be like if I was making almost 6 times what I am now and my housing was paid for. [link]
Yost: Ale and whores, every day.

Ale, whores, and hockey.
 
Terry: Maybe if we shuffled the order around I'd agree.

Because whores should never come second to anything. At least not the whores I buy.
 
 
Yost: Did you see this news item about some lesbian minister that got kicked out of her church?

All of the headlines say "Lesbian minister defrocked." I love it.

"United Methodists defrock lesbian minister."

It sounds like a godbang or something.
[link]
 
Terry: Lita doesn't like garlic.

--Err, Amy. I've gotta get used to that.
[link]
Yost: Excuse me? She switched names again?  
Terry: Yes.  
Yost: Did her crazy hat get too tight?  
 
Terry: Chrystal's a phlebotomist. [link]
Yost: She draws blood?  
Terry: Yes.  
Yost: ...Which leads right to the marriage jokes.  
 
Yost: They have a saying in Cancun - you can't have debauchery without Terry Ott. [link]
 
Yost: Brad is scrawny and mean. I love hanging out with him but I would not hit that. [link]
 
Yost: Josh, you're going to sleep like a baby tonight. [link]
Josh: What kind of baby?  
Yost: A baby with a knife in it.  
 
Yost: I think that you would like "Dead Like Me."

The main character is both crazy and dead. So that cuts like a whole stage out of your relationship cycle.
[link]
 
Josh: Are you going to sleep like a baby tonight? [link]
Yost: Like the babies in my trunk.  
Josh: How many babies are in your trunk?  
Yost: After you put them through the blender you can't really count them anymore.  
 
Terry: Wow is that a catchy little backbeat. [link]
Yost: A little creepy though.  
Terry: I just meant the little zylophone part, not the part where the children of the corn are telling me they're coming to get me.  
Yost: I don't usually order my techno with scary children in it.  
 
Yost: Whoever invented Prilosec, I would like to buy them a beer. [link]
Terry: I think they'd consider you drinking a beer counterproductive to their product.

"Whoever created the condom, I'd like to thank them by having unprotected sex with their daughter."
 
 
Yost: You bore me. I'm going to the gyn

Christ.

GYM.

Let's pretend I never typed that.
[link]
 
Yost: It's always good to have a long-lasting crazy girl in your past.

It seasons the rest of your life.

Like a good blackening spice.
[link]
 
Terry: I was trying to think of something other than "passenger train" cause the passenger train of assfucking is so cliche. Everyone's using that phrase these days. [link]
Yost: You don't want to be using the same sodomy metaphor that everyone else does.

Your sodomy should really stand out.
 
 
Terry: Man does [this] have high fucked potential attached to it. [link]
Yost: It's too bad there's not a handheld meter for that.

Like a voltmeter.
 
 
Terry: Dude, your poor Willowbrook porch. Didn't you piss off it once? [link]
Yost: At least once. Actually, way more than once.

You haven't lived until you've pissed three stories.
 
 
Terry: I would like to find the core developer at Sleepycat software for BDB and skullfuck them to death. [link]
Yost: Can you skullfuck someone but not to death?  
 
Yost: How many stars does a hotel have to have before you can crap on the ceiling? I'm not sure they've adequately captured that customer requirement. [link]
 
Terry: [Alex] was wondering if a squirrel actually caused the accident where I got windshield in your nuts.

I said, "Yeah, ask Scott; he was all depressed so I took him for a ride."
[link]
Yost: It's true.

I got my self-destruction on.
 
Terry: "...Caused the accident where I got windshield in your nuts."

Wonder how many people other than you I'll be able to say that about in my life.
 
Yost: It's a rare occasion when you can put something in another man's nuts and remain friends.  
 
Terry: I'm like, "Baby, that's great, but if your dog craps in the car I'm killing him. And then throwing the poo at you." [link]
Yost: Do that. Chicks love fecal hijinks.  
 
Terry: Did you hear about my new dating plan? I'm moving to south Texas. Then the girls I date will have nowhere to run anymore. [link]
Yost: Cornering the market, so to speak.  
 
Yost: Are Italian students that go to Butler called Bulldagos?

Or is that Italian lesbians?

I forget.
[link]
 
Terry: I didn't go to grad school for fun. [link]
Yost: You went for the sodomy.

Go for the learning, stay for the raping.
 
 
Yost: Can IMs even escape from Texas?

I thought the internets went uphill there or something.
[link]
 
Yost: If [they] send you to Austin, I will die laughing.

And then you will die, because nobody enters Austin alive.
[link]
Terry: I disagree. They enter alive, it just has an airborne virus that kills crazy bitches. I've gone there twice and had no ill effects.  
Yost: Crazy bitches come in, but they don't come out. It's like a crazy bitch roach motel.  
 
Terry: ...So, granted, by this point in the evening I'm fairly altered. But try as I may, I can't catch up to Pat. He was really downing them. He was on the MAGLEV train to fuckedupedness. [link]
Yost: That's probably the first time I've heard an alcohol metaphor using electromagnets.  
 
Terry: So I'm hosting a stir fry night tonight. [link]
Yost: I do miss some Terry stir-fry.

Man.

I recall some miserable fucking mornings trying to hold my bowels in during database class.
 
 
Yost: I like my women like I like my scotch: twelve years old and mixed up in coke. [link]

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